2am

There have been things on my mind during these past hardly bearable weeks. But the one issue, the one person that I haven't been able to stop thinking about is him. It has only been 2 weeks, 4 days . since "we" . ended so there's a long way to go for me to be able to walk away from it all. Be it a break -up or a break. He's gone and he ain't coming back.

I miss him. A LOT.

. And even though love is such a pain in the ass and relationships are just the start of that, I still found myself falling deeper and deeper into a relationship that I knew was doomed from the beginning. Even the smartest of people get screwed over. I'm an intelligent girl, I just picked a not-so-smart choice. to put it nicely.

Break-ups are inevitable. I know that. Everyone who's been in a relationship knows so. But I'm still sitting here wondering where the hell we went wrong and how the heck did it happen?? This impending question has been carved on the back of my mind ever since that moment he decided to leave me. And I'm still wondering why why why?? Telling myself this isn't supposed to be the way it ends... not like this.

I found myself lying in bed every night, going through messages after messages on my phone from him, deconstructing every single sentence, searching for hints or clues between the lines of his i love you's and i miss you's.

His sincere "love" peaked and dangerously dropped within a matter of weeks coming to a fatal crash where it hit the axis - head first. I always wonder if this 'love' of his was as true as he claimed it to be?

No. I felt it dying. I really did. After the first few times where he didn't pick up my phonecalls for days or return my messages and giving me crap excuses as to why. I knew, but I wouldn't let myself comprehend. I guess I was still hanging on to the him i knew before. The him I believed would never leave me like this. The him I thought would try to keep our relationship together through thick and thin.

He didn't even try.

Not one. single. effing. bit.

It's this nonchalent attitude that he adopts to every fu.cking thing. and it gets me thinking and angry and all irritated again. On several occasions I tried to express my doubts about our relationship but his blithe unconcern and egomaniac-ish crap kicks in every time, giving me a "Well...If that's what you think I can't really do anything about it. I can't change your mind."

um. Seriously?

Oh you left your phone - both phones - in your car for two days straight and it was too hot to walk 10 metres to fetch them?

...Seriously??

So you left your phone in your friends bag over the weekend and after getting it back and seeing 20+ missed calls and a message from me you didn't bother to call back just incase it was something urgent? And what? This was because you were tired?

Seriously??

Oh, so you're working an extra day this week and now your timetable for the week just happens to be the complete opposite to mine?

....



I tried. God knows I tried. So damn hard to keep it together.

It got to the point where I wanted to grab him by both shoulders and shake him. violently.
And scream and scream at him. And push him to that breaing point where he could no longer hold back his urge to scream just as violently back at me. Just so that he would

FEEL something.

A bit of concern maybe? The slightest taste of guilt perhaps?

Not at all. If any, non that he expressed.

I guess that was what I got for wishful thinking.

So where do we stand now?
Only God knows.