To be frank,
No one's going to buy your ticket to melbourne because they love you so much. People won't get together and bid you farewell over dim sum because you're going on holidays for a week and they'll miss you. Surprise parties are only thrown for "special people". No, your friend is not going to call you up after 3 months of not talking and offer to make amends. Things just don't work that way. Shot gun? Haha, no one's going to save you a seat in their car or offer your a ride from a to b. Drunk and k.o'd? Sick and coughing your guts out? Then find a place to die quietly. Because in most cases, generosity is not naturally embedded in people to spend a few weeks pay on a few days with you. They ain't gonna notice if you're absent from the country for a week or 2. or 3. Age is just a number. And since we're going all out here, let's be honest. No one gives a shit about the day you were born and it's either a first come first serve process or preconceived mutual obligation between people for shotgunned seats. The rest? hah, find your own way or walk there. "Bro-ship" and "sisterhoods" are shortlived and rarely lived up to. People don't care because they care, they care because it's rude not to pretend to. Atleast during the first few months anyway, when "friendship" is played out closest to the way it's supposed to be. People are lazy, and forgetful so caring is eventually forgotten. So make yourself one of the main players if you wanna be regonised. If you're kinda hanging out on the sidelines then yes, you will fall behind and be marginalised.
So you see, friendship is merely a construct of what people would like it to be but are too lazy driven by self interest to carry it out. The laws of give and take are almost never balanced so please don't base your thesis on a myth. The affinity of humans to each other is actually false advertising. People strive to be accepted and remembered. they waste time, money, effort just so others might remember to sms them on their birthday. Facebook is just a means to remind people about others. Sarah's birthday is tomorrow, oh better message her then.
Don't lie to yourself. you won't be missed when you're gone.
Dear Friend,
You got really fucked up yesterday and I was pretty worried. I never thought you'd be one to fall into the status quo, but I guess I falsely stretched your strength of abstinence. Please don't misunderstand me, I have absolutely no qualms against people who need drugs to party it up. And I'm not about to declare war on the next person who rages at me for being anti-drugs. It's not my style coz I'm all about freedom of expression, man!
You looked pretty out of it when I finally found you, kinda leaning and clinging onto the guy for dear life. Your eyes were rolled back and forth, in and out and I was kinda counting down the secs that it would take for your knees to give way. I guess I was kinda expecting you to just, well, topple over or something. Like a slinky. I didn't understand exactly what you were saying to me, but you were pretty fucking paranoid. No, I am not mad at you. No, I do not hate you. No, I am not judging you. And no, I do not think you are fat.
But yes, I was a lil' upset. I was upset that you had taken drugs and had not paced it out. But sweety, that was not the whole reason, if even a quarter of it. You see, there are many reasons to why saltwater wells in my eyes. I wanted to help you, but I didn't know how. I don't know how to help people under the influence. That's the reason why I turned around and left. I didn't want to see you like that.
Actually, I did suspect that it was not your first time because you were pretty magged at futuremusic too. I know as a fact that there are things that you are reluctant to tell me about. I also know that you're afraid to tell me because you think I would look at you differently after I realise. I've been overseeing this whole thing brew and I can tell you one thing, that chick you're hanging with is a fucking knob. I would have felt more relieved if she wasn't there with you because we both know that when you both get fucked she does so more.
I do not look at you differently. Although disappointed, I am just glad you are ok. Incase you're wondering how I am able to amazingly refrain from taking these small tablets of joy while everyone else around me pays a couple hours of wages for them, I'm just fucking sick of seeing people go through this shit time after time and it just puts me off. I am usually surrounded by people who are under the unfluence. I am accustomed to having to hand out lollipops, gum, lip balm and water. After hanging out with them long enough, you tend to pick up a few things. It's all hugs and kisses in the beginning when everyone's happy and chatty, but after the upswing there must be a downswing right? That's when I gotta deal with the head bopping lifeless corpses, or the emotional "leave me alones". The aggro ones threaten to kick my head in if I ask them if they're ok one more time and the slightly denser ones make absolutely no sense. Pills really bring out the weirdest sides of people. I am sorry I can't sympathise with you if you O.D. I don't want to be told to fuck off again.
The sight is almost unbearable to me. So to see you like that pains me. Does it hurt? Or does it feel like you're walking on water? Because it certainly doesn't look like fun. Put it bluntly, this is the stage where people look like a group of diseased slugs. Eyes rolling, lip licking, mouths chewing, drooling, even. Lying on top of each other like a litter of blind piglets (i would say pigs but piglets are cuter) passing around and sharing the same saliva filled bottle...And this is the part where I disappear off with someone who's alive enough to dance with me - or someone who has their timing of doses down.
I guess I don't really know what to say to you because I don't ping. And I guess I can't talk because I have never experienced it. And for all I know you pingers are probably shaking your heads and telling me I don't know what I'm missing out on. Yeah well...whatever. Let me live in my innocent ignorance. I do my thing, you do yours.
I hope you are feeling better now. Just be careful next time yeah?
Love you xx
put it bluntly i feel so alone, unwanted and unneeded right now.
my best friend isn't talking to me.
my other close friends are either busy or too preoccupied with their own lives to concern themselves with mine.
my mum is going insane, singlehandedly managing her shop
and my dad?
well yeah..my dad...
so who can i turn to when i need somebody there?
who can i call at 2 in the morning when im tearing my mind to pieces thinking and replaying all the events that have happened?
who would sit down and listen without giving me the "guy's suck. you'll find a better one", the "just don't think about it, it'll pass", or even worse the "just get over him already"
I tell myself that im coping quite well on my own. that i don't need any comfort or consolation from anyone. that "yeah, im sad. but you gotta down before you up". that if people don't know and if they don't mention it then i can pretend that none of it ever happened. that love is only the 4th component of my life and i still have 3 - no 2 - components to count on. that time will heal everything and i just gotta stay put and wait it out. that getting a real job to busy myself while waiting it out would solve the problem. that un addition to getting a job, maybe going off and doing some charity work, perhaps sponsoring a child, would open my eyes to the bigger badder life threatening problems that so people in 3rd World - sorry i mean developing countries - have to deal with. that in these countries starvation and survival are the biggest concern on these people's minds and love problems are laughed at, should it even be considered on the list.
and then i ask myself should the question be one of "who"??
must i depend on another for my own mental and emotional wellbeing? should i allow my pride and independence bend to such limits?
afterall. if it's one thing i've learn't from this break up: it's that people are so cruel and ultimately everyone is selfish and only do things for their own benefit.
- unless they're Jesus - or God. But then again God got a virgin pregnant with magic so clearly, God is not playing by the rules.
So should i submit myself to people - the origin and cause of many of my migraines and toothaches....?
Wow. It's true. and it eeks my ears to admit it aloud. people get so screwed over by other people all the time it isn't even funny anymore. cheating wives, unfaithful husbands, backstabbing friends, abusive parents, dickhead bosses, greedy billionaires, unprofessional doctors, unhygenic chefs, dishonest missionaries...I could go on about how people fu.ck other people over for hoursssss, but i think i'd just be rambling. I have such big trust issues lately.
so i rant...cry...rant...blow my nose...rant..dry angry tears...rant rant some more...rant...until i finally fall asleep on a damp pillow. i hope my eyes aren't puffy tomorrow -_-