2am

put it bluntly i feel so alone, unwanted and unneeded right now.
my best friend isn't talking to me.
my other close friends are either busy or too preoccupied with their own lives to concern themselves with mine.
my mum is going insane, singlehandedly managing her shop
and my dad?
well yeah..my dad...

so who can i turn to when i need somebody there?

who can i call at 2 in the morning when im tearing my mind to pieces thinking and replaying all the events that have happened?

who would sit down and listen without giving me the "guy's suck. you'll find a better one", the "just don't think about it, it'll pass", or even worse the "just get over him already"

I tell myself that im coping quite well on my own. that i don't need any comfort or consolation from anyone. that "yeah, im sad. but you gotta down before you up". that if people don't know and if they don't mention it then i can pretend that none of it ever happened. that love is only the 4th component of my life and i still have 3 - no 2 - components to count on. that time will heal everything and i just gotta stay put and wait it out. that getting a real job to busy myself while waiting it out would solve the problem. that un addition to getting a job, maybe going off and doing some charity work, perhaps sponsoring a child, would open my eyes to the bigger badder life threatening problems that so people in 3rd World - sorry i mean developing countries - have to deal with. that in these countries starvation and survival are the biggest concern on these people's minds and love problems are laughed at, should it even be considered on the list.


and then i ask myself should the question be one of "who"??
must i depend on another for my own mental and emotional wellbeing? should i allow my pride and independence bend to such limits?
afterall. if it's one thing i've learn't from this break up: it's that people are so cruel and ultimately everyone is selfish and only do things for their own benefit.
- unless they're Jesus - or God. But then again God got a virgin pregnant with magic so clearly, God is not playing by the rules.

So should i submit myself to people - the origin and cause of many of my migraines and toothaches....?

Wow. It's true. and it eeks my ears to admit it aloud. people get so screwed over by other people all the time it isn't even funny anymore. cheating wives, unfaithful husbands, backstabbing friends, abusive parents, dickhead bosses, greedy billionaires, unprofessional doctors, unhygenic chefs, dishonest missionaries...I could go on about how people fu.ck other people over for hoursssss, but i think i'd just be rambling. I have such big trust issues lately.

so i rant...cry...rant...blow my nose...rant..dry angry tears...rant rant some more...rant...until i finally fall asleep on a damp pillow. i hope my eyes aren't puffy tomorrow -_-